


Pink, Purple, and Blue

by Hideous_Sun_Demon



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Bisexuality, Fluff, Gen, Humour, Inadvertant coming out, schneider is bi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 03:23:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17296805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hideous_Sun_Demon/pseuds/Hideous_Sun_Demon
Summary: Yet another argument about Penelope’s break up with Max- this time with Schneider- takes an unexpected turn.Schneider is confused, Lydia is confused, Elena is excited, and Penelope is just glad they aren’t talking about her anymore.





	Pink, Purple, and Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Schneider is bisexual and that is the god given truth, thanks for coming to my ted talk

This should be considered one of those laws of physics, Penelope contemplated sourly. At any time where a woman is desperately not in the mood to be bothered about her love life- read: her- then there will inevitably be a collision with a particularly bothersome Schneider who refuses to be deterred from talking about that exact thing, despite all hints to drop it. And that law was coming into play right now. She entered the apartment with a huff, letting the door swing closed and smack into- of course- Schneider, who was following right behind. He shouldered the door back open, unperturbed, and kept speaking as though he’d never been interrupted.

“-Are you completely out of your mind?” Schneider exclaimed, spreading his arms out as though making himself larger would convince Penelope to listen to him.

They could call it Bobo’s Law, Penelope thought. That had a nice ring to it.

She slammed her bag down onto the table, spinning on her heel to face him.

“Ay, Schneider,” she snapped. “Would you give it a rest already?” Already, she was calculating in her head how much it would cost to change the locks on the door- Schneider’s landlord status be damned. Or maybe how much to just move; anything to get away from the pendejo trailing at her feet like some overzealous cadet.

Lydia poked her head out from behind her curtain at the commotion, and even Alex and Elena paused the video they were watching on the laptop to look up at the scene unfolding in front of them. Schneider glanced wildly around the room, seeking support from the audience of three. All he got were blank stares. Lydia thrust the curtains open and sashayed over to stand between Penelope and Schneider, never one to miss out on any drama. “What is all this fuss about, Lupita?”

Penelope’s gaze snapped from her mother’s to Schneider, and she sliced a finger through the air to jab threateningly in his direction. “Don’t,” she warned, but Schneider was too worked up to stop. Or care about stopping.

“Penelope broke up with Max!” Schneider said, as if it was his own grave news to announce. The woman in question threw her hands in the air as Schneider gaped at her, and then at the others for not dropping to the floor in shock.

Alex shrugged disinterestedly. “Dude, where have you been? This is old news.”

Schneider let out a scandalised gasp and whirled around to face his friend, who was glaring at him with her hands on her hips. “How long have you been keeping this from me?” Schneider demanded. Penelope sighed and dropped into one of the chairs around the dining table.

“A few weeks,” she said. “And I haven’t been _keeping_ it from you. I broke up with him the night before Mami had her stroke, and then...” She trailed off as a somber silence filled the room. Lydia had moved back home from the hospital and had settled right back into her role as the ‘backbone of the household,’ as she’d called it- “Ah, this place would have fallen apart without me!” she’d exclaimed when she first stepped foot back into the apartment. But even so, the memory of those events was enough to subdue even Schneider, who’d ducked his head a little guiltily at Penelope’s words.

Lydia let out a whistling sigh, one that Penelope recognised all too well. She’d hoped that this argument had been well and truly put behind them, at least for the time being, but her Mami was clearly gearing up for another two hours of bemoaning her terrible life choices. Trust Schneider to drag this back up. Penelope braced herself as Lydia opened her mouth.

“Oh, isn’t it awful!” she moaned, and Schneider nodded vehemently, his vigour flooding back. “She had the most perfect specimen of manhood who wanted to share the miracle of life with her and what does this one do? She throws him away! Ay dios mio.” Lydia clutched at Schneider’s arm for support and he had his own hand flung across his chest like he was in some damn soap opera. Honestly, Penelope thought, those two were made for each other.

“Mami, we’ve been over this,” she said, stepping back into the arena despite herself. “Max and I just wanted different things in life. I don’t want another kid and I can’t ask him to give up that dream because of me.”

Lydia waved a hand dismissively in her direction, muttering under her breath in Spanish. “Niña tonta no sabe que tiene hasta que lo pierde.”

Okay, now Penelope was going to start pricing nursing home costs as well.

Schneider collapsed heavily on the couch, Alex and Elena scrambling to make room for him. He looked genuinely upset, which sparked a hint of amusement in the midst of Penelope’s annoyance. “I get that you didn’t want kids but, man, I can’t believe it’s really over.” He shook his head forlornly. “I mean, where are you going to find a man like Max?”

Lydia nodded along gravely as Schneider continued. “Max is so cool.”

“Si!”

“And manly.”

“Si!”

“And he has killer abs!”

“Si!” Mami exclaimed again. “Listen to Schneider; he knows what a mistake you have made!”

Penelope swallowed down the lump that had grown in her throat. She’d made the right choice, she was certain about that, but it was moments like this that made Penelope want to sprint all the way to Max’s apartment and beg him to let them start over. And then climb him like a beanstalk. Penelope wasn’t going to let her mother catch even a whiff of regret from her though- that woman was like a bloodhound when it came to self doubt.

“I’ve made up my mind guys. What’s done is done. Besides,” she snorted, addressing Schneider, “I’d have thought you’d be happy that Max is on the market now. You seem half in love with him anyway.” A low blow perhaps, but Penelope was exhausted from a long day’s work and yet another argument about her love life, so she’d take it.

Schneider held up his hands defensively. “Hey, can’t one guy appreciate another guy’s chiselled abs? Or his perfectly toned and tanned arms? Or his dreamy blue eyes that you could get lost in for hours.......Why is everyone staring at me?” The wistful look on his face dropped away as he surveyed the room.

Penelope couldn’t help the grin that weaselled its way across her face. “Okay, man, I was just kidding,” she said with a chuckle.

Lydia blinked before giving her granddaughter a sharp rap on the shoulder. “Agh, Elena, you have turned Schneider gay.”

Elena rolled her eyes at her Abuelita’s comment, but she pursued her lips thoughtfully as she turned to face Schneider on the couch. “You know, I’ve never really thought about it, but... Schneider, are you interested in men?”

Schneider blinked owlishly from behind his glasses. “What?” He barked out a laugh. “I’m not gay, Elena. Sure, I mean, I think Max is a good looking guy, and maybe there are times when I reckon the barista at my favourite organic, vegan, gluten-free, nitrate-free coffee shop is pretty cute, and obviously if Chris Hemsworth showed up at my doorstep and wanted to make out then I would, and- oh my god, am I gay?” Schneider’s jaw looked practically unhinged, it was hanging so low.

“Oh no,” Penelope shook her head, “I have walked in on far too many of your ‘lady friends’ for you to be gay.”

“Just because you’re interested in men, doesn’t mean you’re gay,” Elena said. “You could be bisexual.”

“What?” Schneider and Lydia chorused.

“Oh, I can take this one,” Alex, who had been watching the previous argument unfold like a wrestling match, piped up. “So, you really like cauliflower, right? But you might also like broccoli too. It doesn’t have to be just cauliflower or just broccoli.”

Schneider’s brows were twisting into knots, and Lydia was shaking her head. “What do vegetables have to do with this?” she asked, throwing her hands up to the high heavens as she scowled at Elena. “I will never understand you people.”

Elena cut in, giving her Abuelita a flat stare for the ‘you people’ comment but powering past it. “It’s a metaphor,” she explained. “Girls are cauliflower and boys are broccoli. Being bisexual means that you can be attracted to both. And other genders as well,” she added, with the goofy twist of her lips that Penelope knew meant she was thinking about Syd.

“I mean, sure, I know there are people who walk both sides of the street,” Schneider said. “But me? I never even thought about that.” He sunk back into the couch pillows, his face cycling through a wild flurry of emotions before settling on bewildered wonder. “Woah, okay. So you’re saying I totally could have made out with Spencer Milligan from summer camp when I was sixteen?” Elena shrugged as Alex mouthed ‘summer camp,’ eyes wide with jealousy. Schneider huffed, crossing his arms. “Man, I have missed out on so many opportunities. How did I not know about this sooner?”

“Well actually, bisexuality is still heavily stigmatised and erased as a sexual orientation, especially for men.” Elena jumped in, brimming with the excitement of a chance to educate. “It’s not surprising that you didn’t realise it was a possibility. But it’s okay- everyone discovers their sexualities at different ages.”

“...Huh,” Schneider said. A beat of silence, followed by another. And then: “Okay, cool.” Any and all consternation was wiped off his face like a whiteboard, and Penelope blinked.

“Wait. Sorry, what just happened?” she asked, glancing around the room a little wildly. Only her mother looked as flabbergasted as she did.

“I’m bisexual, Pen, get with the programme.”

“Yeah, no, sure, it’s just-“ Schneider and Elena both raised a simultaneous eyebrow, and Penelope slowed; out of words. It wasn’t that she didn’t know what bisexuality was, or had any issue with it- it was just Schneider’s blithe acceptance of it in under half a minute that was a bit hard to swallow. Elena, she was sure, had spent far longer agonising over her identity. “So you’re okay with this- just like that? You just fast forwarded through years worth of self reflection in like two minutes.”

Schneider shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a laid back kind of guy.”

And- well, what could she possibly say to that? This was...quintessentially Schneider, really; embracing something new and unexpected wholeheartedly and without any qualms. And it was honestly great; both in that Schneider was experiencing this pivotal moment in his life with such ease, and that finally- finally!- they weren’t talking about her anymore.

Genuinely, Penelope was glad that this accidental coming out-slash-self discovery session wasn’t as fraught with anxiety as Elena’s. For one, Penelope didn’t have to worry about the mixed feelings that she’d experienced then- her best friend being bisexual and her only daughter being gay were worlds apart, and Elena’s coming out had mellowed her to pretty much anything. Besides, all jokes aside, Penelope had always kind of suspected. It was impossible not to, what with the suspicious amount of comments Schneider had left on Max’s Instagram photos, and the _very_ conspicuous way he had tried to squeeze Max’s butt. On multiple occasions.

It was so obvious, actually, that Penelope was having a little trouble processing the surprise still emanating from Schneider. She sat down in the chair by the couch, shooting him a wry, wondering smile. “So, you really didn’t know?” she asked, not quite able to keep the incredulity from her voice. “All these years, and you never realised you were attracted to men?”

“Well, sure, I could appreciate a hot bod when I saw it, dude or not,” Schneider said. “But I thought it was just the normal way guys think about running their hands over another guy’s washboard abs, or about how good they look in a pair of skinny jeans, y’know? Just regular bro stuff. You know what I’m talking about.” He directed that last part to Alex, who glanced around the room as if he was checking to make sure he was still on planet Earth.

“Uh....no, I don’t,” he said slowly. “That’s how Abuelita talks about guys, not me!”

Lydia nodded sagely.

“And...” Elena said, a touch of hesitation in her voice. “You think your family will be okay with this?”

“Oh, I’m not too worried about that. I have plenty of experience dealing with Father’s disappointment. This’ll be nothing compared to the time I pitched him my business idea for tiny stick-on fingernails shaped like even tinier hands.” He shuddered at the memory as Penelope shared a look of wordless confusion with her children. “My mums should be alright. Mum Four might be a bit dicey, but honestly she’s way behind in my life anyway. I’m pretty sure she still thinks I live in Canada.”

He grinned dopily at them. “And anyway, you guys don’t care. So what do I have to worry about?”

Penelope laughed, reaching over to pat Schneider’s hand. “Well, I’m glad you’ve been able to make this new discovery about yourself,” she said- and she genuinely meant it. Now that the focus had been well and truly shifted away from her own love life, she was feeling a lot more charitable towards her friend. “Even if it means I’m gonna start running into half naked men in your apartment. Or maybe because of that.” She shared a rakish grin with her mother, who was practically salivating.

Schneider seemed to be only half listening- or a quarter listening, really, since half listening was his default state of being. “Oh man,” he said, beginning a rhythm of fervent nodding, “this opens up so many possibilities. Okay!” He spun around to face Elena’s equally excited face. “I’m ready. How do I do this?”

Elena’s exhilaration made a snap transformation into befuddlement. “...What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m bisexual now, I wanna be a productive member of the community!” he exclaimed. “My dancing is already pretty amazing, but I think I need to add some more glitter to my wardrobe. Also, I need to catch up on my slang- should I start watching RuPaul’s Drag Race?”

“Okay,” Elena said, laughing awkwardly as she drew out the sound. “So, a few things there: firstly- you didn’t just become bisexual; you always have been. It’s not like you were bitten by a radioactive spider that turned you bi.”

Schneider and Alex grinned at that, their eyes lighting up simultaneously.

“And second,” Elena continued on, oblivious. “Being a part of the LGBTQIA+ community-“

“Wait, how many letters are there now?” Penelope asked.

“-doesn’t mean you have to conform to a certain subset of stereotypes associated with your sexuality,” Elena said a little louder, holding up a hand to ward off any further interruptions. “Just because I prefer wearing suits over dresses, and I happen to be a lesbian, doesn’t mean that you have to start wearing sequins and calling people ‘sis’ just because you’re bisexual. Though, you should totally watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

Schneider had begun sinking back against the sofa cushions as if the sheer amount of information he was receiving was weighing him down. By this point he was folded up like a pretzel. “Should I be taking notes on all this?” he asked frantically, raking a hand through his hair. “There isn’t a test to get in, is there? Elena, you know I can’t handle that kind of pressure!”

“Oh!” Elena shot up from her seat in a frenzy of excitement, causing Lydia and Penelope to both yelp. “I have an idea! Syd and I are going to our first Pride parade next Saturday- why don’t you come with us? You’ll learn so much more about the community by actually taking part in it, and we’re going to meet so many amazing people!”

“Yes! Yes, that’s a great idea!” Schneider said as he leapt to his feet as well, a mirror image of Elena’s puppyish enthusiasm. “Oh my god, this is amazing. But- next weekend, you said? This is such short notice, I’ve got to start preparing now. And I definitely have to tell my life coach all about this. Okay, bye guys!”

And just like that, he was gone; sprinting out the door and leaving it gaping open behind him.

“Well, that was a _lot_ ,” Penelope said with a grin as she got up to close the door.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, because it’s Schneider, but that was....actually kinda inspiring,” Elena said thoughtfully. “It must take so much bravery to come to terms with a new sexuality so far into life like that.”

Privately, Penelope felt that Schneider had not so much been a courageous pioneer discovering his sexuality, so much as he had stumbled head first into it, but the important thing was that her friend was comfortable with himself- and with that knowledge, Penelope couldn’t be anything but happy for him.

“What do you think, Abuelita?” Elena asked, the edge of a smirk on her face as she turned to her grandmother. Lydia was poised at the end of the couch, in the midst of a huff.

“I don’t know about all this, being...bicentennial,” she declared, and Alex smothered a snigger. “But I do know this. If Schneider finds a good man before you-“ she pointed an accusatory finger at Penelope- “then I promise you I will have another stroke.”

 

* * *

 

“Ugh, where is Schneider?” Elena scowled as she checked her phone, somehow managing to sound even more put out than when she said the exact same thing ten seconds ago. “We’re going to be so late for the parade.”

Penelope hadn’t thought it was possible for someone with rainbows all over their shirt to look so stormy, but Elena had managed it.

“Hasn’t anybody ever told you it’s fashionable to show up late to parties?” Alex asked from the kitchen, where he was helping his Abuelita with breakfast- well, helping in the sense that he was moving around to various places to seem useful, despite not actually doing anything. Lydia was showering him with praise regardless. “Oh, I guess not, since you’ve never been invited to one before.”

“It’s okay,” shouted Syd from where they were coming out of the bathroom. “This gives me enough time to get my makeup looking perfect.”

Lydia pressed a hand to her chest, and Penelope swore she could see tears welling in her eyes. “They are wearing makeup?” she gasped. “Oh, I have never been prouder!”

It was right then that Syd bounded out of the bathroom, and Lydia’s exclamation of joy was mangled into a squawk. The entire right side of Syd’s face had been painted over with rainbow stripes, which did nothing to conceal the exuberant grin stretching across it. Penelope bit the inside of her cheek, Alex knocked over a pile of pots into the sink to disguise his snort; Elena just squealed.

“Oh. My. God!” she said, running up to Syd and looking distinctly plain in only her rainbow shirt, rainbow scarf, and rainbow sneakers. “You look amazing! We’ve gotta take a selfie!”

“Looking good, Syd,” Penelope said warmly, tactfully not mentioning that she would have described their chosen look as less ‘amazing’ and closer to ‘arts and crafts terrorism.’ She watched with a smile as her daughter pressed a kiss to her girlfriend’s unpainted cheek and they took a selfie. “Nobody’s gonna miss you in the crowd.”

“I’m here! I’m here! I’m here!”

The door opened. Penelope stared.

“....I take it back,” she said. “Nobody’s going to be looking at you with _him_ around.”

Desperately clasping at the doorway and panting for breath, Schneider stood before them; but his dramatic entrance wasn’t what anybody was paying attention to. He was decked out from head to toe in a suit blocked out entirely in the colours of pink, purple, and blue, diagonal stripes of them running across his chest and legs with violent vibrancy. It looked like a colour-blind person’s idea of an honest mistake.

“What....is that,” Lydia deadpanned. Everybody else just gaped.

“It’s the bisexual pride flag!” Schneider managed to get out as he finally caught his breath. He straightened slightly, shooting Elena and Syd a sparkling grin. “I did some research, got it custom made. What do you think?”

Penelope, Lydia, Alex, and Elena exchanged a brief, horrified glance.

“It’s uh...”

“Yeah, I mean....”

“Well, it’s...”

“It’s freaking awesome, is what it is!” Syd ran forward, phone already raised for a selfie, her grin still firmly in place and somehow magnified. Penelope swore she could see them vibrating with excitement. “The three of us together? We’re not just going to be at the Pride parade- we’re going to _be_ the Pride parade!”

Slowly, Elena- always eager to join in on her girlfriend’s fun- let her expression soften to match Syd’s, and she wore a grin of her own as she joined in on the selfie. “Hell yeah we are,” she said. “Hashtag Pride-Pals-For-Life!”

They took the photo, and with Schneider’s beam as he slung his arms around Elena and Syd’s shoulders, the image was complete.

**Author's Note:**

> “Niña tonta no sabe que tiene hasta que lo pierde” = “Silly girl does not know what she has until she loses it.”
> 
> ...According to Google Translate, anyway.


End file.
